Choice Theory: The cause of relationship breakdown

In my previous post, I shared with you the five basic needs identified by William Glasser. Of these five basic needs, the most important need is love and sense of belonging. When there is love and sense of belonging, all the other needs will be fulfilled. This need of love and sense of belonging is strengthened by the Seven Caring Habits. These Caring Habits should replaced the Seven Deadly Habits, which cause relationship breakdown – whether it is relationship with parents, kids, spouse, colleagues, siblings, bosses and friends.

Seven Caring Habits

  1. Supporting. This caring habit is helping the other person to achieve what he/she wants to achieve. If your child wants to draw, do not discourage your child by saying, “You do not know how to draw. You better choose other things to do”. Instead, let him/her try to do the things he/she likes to do. Give him/her the assistance that he/she needs.
  2. Encouraging. This caring habit is doing an action to gently push the other person towards the achievement of his/her goal. Instead of telling the child that he/she got failing score in his/her subject because he/she does not study, sit with him/her and help him/her to understand the concepts in his/her lesson.
  3. Listening. This caring habit is giving your time and listening ears to the other person. Instead of criticizing the employees for not submitting work on time, listen to them what prevents them from doing their work and come up with solutions together on how to address the problem.
  4. Accepting. This caring habit is having no judgment on what the person is doing or not nagging about what he/she is doing. Instead of telling the children to fold their clothes by themselves, accept that they may not be able to do it yet. Let them try again after how many months.
  5. Trusting. This caring habit is believing the person that this person feels the same – he cares as much as you care and both of you can open up to one another. Neither of you is more powerful than the other.
  6. Respecting. This caring habit is allowing the person to be himself/herself without giving judgment. Respect your child to make his/her own choices.
  7. Negotiating differences. This caring habit is solving conflicts without falling into the Seven Deadly Habits. It is when you agree to disagree without having hard feelings.

Seven Deadly Habits

  1. Criticizing. It is the opposite of Supporting. Criticizing is being critical of what others are doing, sharing your negative opinion about others and finding fault on someone.
  2. Blaming. It is the opposite of Encouraging. For example, you blame someone that you were late because he/she was so slow!
  3. Complaining. It is the opposite of Listening. Complaining is the expressing of disappointment and unhappiness incessantly.
  4. Nagging. It is the opposite of Accepting. It is telling people to do what they do not want to do.
  5. Threatening. It is the opposite of Trusting. It is creating fear in someone else through punishment and any possibility of negative outcome.
  6. Punishing. It is the opposite of Respecting. It is taking away something from someone for them to follow what you want.
  7. Bribing or rewarding to control. It is the opposite of Negotiating Differences. It is a form of manipulation and takes away the power from someone.

We cannot control other people; we can only control our own behavior. When we use the Seven Deadly Habits to control people, it will only lead to disconnection. This Deadly Habits should be replaced with Caring Habits to enjoy a happy relationship!

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3 thoughts on “Choice Theory: The cause of relationship breakdown

  1. Ouch!! Such a great article, but packed a punch! I needed so much to be reminded of these things. As a parent it’s easy to fall into the deadly habits list because, for me, it tends to be the lazier list. To truly love someone and invest in, listen to and commit to them takes real effort and work. I’m so guilty of taking the easy road sometimes. Thank you so much for sharing this!!❤❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

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